Connecticut Killer’s Secret Obsession… With Pizza

Media attributes blame for Connecticut Shooter

We all knew it would come to this. Following last week’s shooting at a Connecticut elementary school, recent evidence uprooted in the police investigation has begun to shed light onto the possible causes of the tragedy. What they have found is unsettling, if unsurprising.

According to sources close to Adam Lanza, the killer was notorious within the small community for his love of pizza. It has been suggested that, as he sat alone in his underground bunker (the basement where he lived), Lanza sometimes devoured whole pizzas while watching the latest action-packed Hollywood blockbuster. These tomato- and cheese-based foodstuffs appeased his hunger (for violence) as he browsed “news sites” – web-based content famous for relaying information on violent wars right into people’s heads. At this time, it is not known what he drank.

This is not the first time mass murderers have been found to enjoy pizza: Norwegian gunman Anders Breivik admitted to eating a pizza at some point in his life. As police scramble to gather further information before jumping to attention-grabbing conclusions, national newspapers are keen to discover links between mass killers and their habits. New evidence suggests that perpetrators of mass shootings tend to be carrying guns on the exact same day as their respective shooting occurred. Although seemingly incriminating, many media outlets denounce this common trait as “circumstantial.”

I have asked UK “news outlet” The Sun whether sexual objectification of women in the media causally relate to crimes fuelled by misogynistic tendencies but have yet to receive a reply.

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4 thoughts on “Connecticut Killer’s Secret Obsession… With Pizza

  1. This piece oozes satire! I love it, haha.
    I think it’s silly how video games, movies, and portrayal of women, are always the big 3 of blame. To be completely honest, my mother knew what kind of children she was raising, and she knew that these things were of no consequence to us. We weren’t filtered from what content we could play or see, because she knew that we were well adjusted children who could view these things subjectively for what they were.
    (Obviously there’s some level of guidance. It’s not like we were 8 years old and watching adult films!)

  2. When I was little (I honestly don’t remember how old I was), my mother took me to Blockbuster, I begged that woman to buy me Mortal Kombat. She took a look at the cover, read the advisory sticker and said, “no, this is too violent for you.” Guess what? I’m now a grown ass adult and I still haven’t played an MK game.

    • For a period, my Mam banned Mortal Kombat from the house on grounds of its lavishness. Can’t blame her really – even the game’s co-creator expressed a preference to keep it out of the hands of his kids.

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